Not forgotten

I had planned on going to the cemetery on Memorial day. I am not much of a grave visitor. I don't think I have ever visited a cemetery on Memorial Day. I have people I love there, but to me it's only their body. Their spirit is not there and so I don't feel I need to go there to feel their love. I thought maybe when I buried my baby, that might change. But it hasn't. I know lots of people get comfort from visiting a grave but I get comfort just thinking and reflecting about my little one's spirit.

Still I felt like I should go visit his resting place on Memorial Day. We woke up to rain, and it continued to rain almost the entire day. I didn't want to drag the kids out into the cemetery in the rain. I felt like I should feel guilty about it, but I didn't. It's not like I don't think about the son I lost daily. He knows I love him. So, we will visit his grave soon, when it stops raining. Which may be a long time, it's been a wet Spring. In the meantime I will reflect on my little one and what might have been and how different our lives would be if I were 36 weeks pregnant right now. But I will also be grateful for everything he has taught me and my family. For the fact that my boys have their very own brother acting as their guardian angel. And for the knowledge of our purpose in life and what happens after this life. Learning and growing because of Jacob is the best way to memorialize him.