Tonight

I am irritable, angry and frustrated. Not sure why I am feeling this way, I guess it's just one of those waves of grief. Just when I feel like I am doing really well, and almost feel guilty for doing well, a wave hits. Tonight it's the wave of this is just not fair.
I should be celebrating being halfway through my pregnancy this week.
I should be accustomed to the fact that I am having another little boy.
I should be going through the clothes picking out which ones to save for him, not packing them up for the next time.
I should be planning how to give the nursery an update.
I should be packing on the pounds.
I shouldn't be bleeding.
I shouldn't be grieving.
I shouldn't be wondering when I am going to have the next child.
I shouldn't be wearing all my regular clothes.
I shouldn't be wondering what we are going to be doing this summer now that it isn't going to be filled with caring for a newborn.
I shouldn't be missing the child I lost.

Sigh.

Big aspirations

Rex drew this picture at school last week.

I was quite perplexed about the Dentist/gardener combo so I asked him about it.
me: So you want to be a Dentist and a gardener huh?
Rex: No! I want to be a Doctor Dentist and a gardener that lives in a tent
me: ???? A tent!
Rex: yep.
I was impressed with the Doctor Dentist part although I am not quite sure if that means a Doctor and a Dentist or if he just wants me to know that Doctors are Dentist too. And sure I like to garden, so that's cool. But I am a little concerned about the living in a tent part... Mark said it's fine as long as he isn't living in our yard when he's 30.

the garden

Saturday afternoon we decided to drive up to the cemetary that Jacob will be buried in. We decided not to do a private burial, but to take advantage of a program the hospital offers. They have a memorial garden and a tomb at a local cemetary, the same one my aunt is buried in and the one we lived right by when we first moved to this area. It's a beautiful cemetary nestled in the foothills. Babies that die before 23 weeks can be laid to rest here without any cost to the parent. However, there aren't any individual markers. This seemed like the best option for us money wise and emotionally. I wasn't sure I wanted to drag it on with a burial. Personally, I am not big on graveyards and don't visit them often. I guess I feel that who the person is, their spirit, is not in the ground so why go there? Others obviously feel very different and I have struggled with whether this is the right decision. It's hard to know what to do in this situation, when you have never expected to be in this situation. Ideally we would have him buried in a plot that Mark and I would eventually be buried in but since we don't even know if this is where we will settle or where we want to be buried that isn't feasible. We have really tried to imagine what we would want for the future and have decided we are comfortable with this decision for us. We were worried about the boys and if having a gravesite would be easier for them to remember Jacob and know he was real, but then I realized that I never even visited my sister's grave until I was 10 because it is in California. I have been there twice in my life, yet I have always known I had a sister and all about her. Jacob is a part of our family, whether we have a gravesite or not. They are having an interfaith memorial service for all the babies that have died in the last few months on Feb 25th. That is also Sam's birthday but we will go and celebrate Jacob and his little spirit. If you are local you are welcome to attend as well. Here's the memorial garden.






I wish there was a manual on what to do in this situation. The hospital was great in guiding us and doing things that we would want done even though we didn't know we would want them done. Like taking pictures. I didn't even bring a camera. It didn't even cross my mind. I was too busy trying to emotionally get through the situation. These little things are the only regrets I have. Not taking pictures of us with him, not holding him long enough, not examining every inch of his little body and not officially saying goodbye. All the drugs I was on didn't help me think clearly either or be aware of a lot that went on. But these are just little things and I know with time they won't bother me anymore. So I hope that with time we are comfortable with his burial and our decisions regarding this as well.

Wishing

I wish I was updating this blog today by saying we are having a boy. Today is the day we were supposed to find out the gender. I would of been disappointed. That's sad. I now realize that I don't care what the sex of our children are as long as they are healthy. It's amazing how one event can change your entire perspective.

Overall, I am doing good. I feel really at peace with things and have been given answers and obviously the peace from the Lord. I know there is nothing we could of done, even though I haven't had my Dr's appt yet. That's the amazing thing about prayer. Heavenly Father knows the answers and he will let you know if you are humble. It's too bad I often have to be compelled to be humble but I guess that is part of being human. I know that Jacob had a purpose and that purpose was not only to teach his parents a few lessons, but also to get a body. He did that. He had a perfect little body to go with his amazing spirit. He obviously was a very valiant spirit in the premortal life and he is needed on the other side. I am so privleged to be his mother. A woman in our ward who recently lost a baby calls us celestial mothers. I like that. So yes I have peace and comfort and know there is a purpose in this all.

Post-edit: Just had to add that my Dr. called tonight and all tests came back clean. Just like I knew. This is a good thing though because it means nothing is wrong with me, it just happened because it happened.

On my bad days though, or bad moments because any day can be filled with both, I get angry or sad for what was supposed to be. Angry that I had to endure an entire 1st trimester, have hospital and Dr. bills and invest my heart into something that didn't happen. Angry that I don't still get to be pregnant. Angry that others do. Sad that I never will see what Jacob would look like full term, what he would look like at two, as an adult. Sad that I don't get to love and cuddle this special spirit. However, even during those moments and days, I still feel overwhelmingly grateful and I wouldn't take anything back. I wish I was finding out about a healthy baby boy today. But, I don't wish I was the same person I was before this experience because it has made me a better person, one more reliant on the Lord. One in greater love with her husband and family. I am now a celestial mother and I am ok with that. Maybe this was Jacob's purpose all along. I hope we can make him proud.

Reason to smile

My boys made me flowers today out of play-doh. Man, I love them.

Just wanted to share

You are probably all tired of depressing posts, but this is honest of my life right now. I am sorry, I promise to share something more uplifting soon. I came across this written by a man who lost his wife and it talks about grief. It really hit home today and helped me.

Justin Young wrote, "The refining fire of the Lord is not a pleasant place to be and it takes faith, courage and trust in the Lord that he is shaping you into the person he knows, wants and needs you to be. I consider myself a man of great faith in God and his plan, but I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that the greatest faith cannot rescue one from the pangs of grief.

"But I have found that in those moments of deepest sorrow, when my very heart seems to be tearing itself in two, the moments that take me to my knees begging for understanding, peace, love, light, relief ... it is in those moments of humility, left with nothing but a broken heart and contrite spirit, that the greatest lessons of life have been taught and the mysteries of his kingdom are unfolded to view.

"Lessons and teachings that cannot all be shared openly, but cherished privately, and treasured up unto ourselves giving us not the wisdom of man, but the wisdom born of God."

That wisdom, he said, "is forged from the flames of experience and this experience has opened my eyes beyond my own ability to see. And because of this, I believe we should be grateful for the trials we have today because they'll make us who we'll be tomorrow."

Comfort

Yesterday was hard. Maybe because it marked a week ago that I found out my baby was dead? I don't know but it was hard. I never understood how hard a miscarriage or stillbirth could be before. It was so intangible to me. I couldn't imagine ever losing my living children, but the pain of losing a baby inside of you I just didn't get. And hoped I would never understand. Unfortunately now I do and although I am grateful for the growth and strength I have gained already, yesterday I was not happy to be part of that group of women who understand. How can you miss someone you never met? How can you long to hold something that never breathed air? How can I ache so bad to see my little man who I never really knew? After much praying and pondering and reading last night I finally found some comfort. I ache because our Spirits are connected. I ache because my Spirit knows his Spirit and it longs to be his mother right now. But I can't. And although that hurts I know it will be alright. He's happy and I have learned so much from him already.
This scripture has taken on a whole new meaning.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." -John 14:27

There will continue to be hard times, his due date, the anniversary of his passing, every June when he should be turning a year older, but I am learning that relying and trusting in the Lord's comfort is the only way I will make it through these times. And with time it will get easier.

My best friend sent me some links to some other blogs of women who have also lost babies before birth and after. There were some thoughts on there that really helped me and might help those who aren't quite sure how to act or how to understand or have empathy for this situation.

I wish everyone knew that a baby's age or size at birth or death does not determine to how much of a person he or she was or how much they will be loved or missed.

I wish everyone knew it is ok to talk about my loss.

I wish everyone knew that I think of my baby all the time.

I wish everyone knew that I have completely changed because of my experiences.

I wish everyone knew that us mommies who lose our babies carry them with us everywhere we go...for the rest of our lives...and to say we are changed...is putting it rather lightly.

I wish everyone knew and appreciated what an absolute miracle each and every child is, from conception to birth, viable and enviable.

Those summarize some of my feelings well, yet at the same time I don't wish everyone knew because I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone. I am not sure I can honestly say right now I am grateful for this experience because it is too raw and I ache to still be pregnant so bad, but I do know and have faith that one day I will look back and be grateful for this and for all the things I have learned from my Heavenly Father and my little angel. And that is what I am clinging on to.