Yesterday was hard. Maybe because it marked a week ago that I found out my baby was dead? I don't know but it was hard. I never understood how hard a miscarriage or stillbirth could be before. It was so intangible to me. I couldn't imagine ever losing my living children, but the pain of losing a baby inside of you I just didn't get. And hoped I would never understand. Unfortunately now I do and although I am grateful for the growth and strength I have gained already, yesterday I was not happy to be part of that group of women who understand. How can you miss someone you never met? How can you long to hold something that never breathed air? How can I ache so bad to see my little man who I never really knew? After much praying and pondering and reading last night I finally found some comfort. I ache because our Spirits are connected. I ache because my Spirit knows his Spirit and it longs to be his mother right now. But I can't. And although that hurts I know it will be alright. He's happy and I have learned so much from him already.
This scripture has taken on a whole new meaning.
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." -John 14:27
There will continue to be hard times, his due date, the anniversary of his passing, every June when he should be turning a year older, but I am learning that relying and trusting in the Lord's comfort is the only way I will make it through these times. And with time it will get easier.
My best friend sent me some links to some other blogs of women who have also lost babies before birth and after. There were some thoughts on there that really helped me and might help those who aren't quite sure how to act or how to understand or have empathy for this situation.
I wish everyone knew that a baby's age or size at birth or death does not determine to how much of a person he or she was or how much they will be loved or missed.
I wish everyone knew it is ok to talk about my loss.
I wish everyone knew that I think of my baby all the time.
I wish everyone knew that I have completely changed because of my experiences.
I wish everyone knew that us mommies who lose our babies carry them with us everywhere we go...for the rest of our lives...and to say we are changed...is putting it rather lightly.
I wish everyone knew and appreciated what an absolute miracle each and every child is, from conception to birth, viable and enviable.
Those summarize some of my feelings well, yet at the same time I don't wish everyone knew because I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone. I am not sure I can honestly say right now I am grateful for this experience because it is too raw and I ache to still be pregnant so bad, but I do know and have faith that one day I will look back and be grateful for this and for all the things I have learned from my Heavenly Father and my little angel. And that is what I am clinging on to.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Comfort
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4 comments:
Those are some great words and thoughts in this post Michelle. I totally agree with the fact that mothers that have lost a baby carry them for the rest of their lives. Sometimes the smallest thing will remind me, and I feel that pain in my heart. And I always think of how old my baby would be, and what milestones we would be crossing. I also agree it is okay to talk about your loss. Michelle, I can only imagine how hard it would be to deliver your little baby, and not get to take him home. I am glad you got to hold him and say goodbye though. I know you will get to hold him in your arms again, and watch him grow. I am here for you when you are ready, and I know the experience will always be with you, and your souls connected, but the pain will fade. Let me know how I can help. I would love to have your boys over too. We all love you, and I think you are amazing.
Michelle I admire you for your strength and for the way you are expressing how you feel. I never thought it would be me either among those moms who have miscarried and never understand how much it does affect their lives. I am still working though my losses but I have to tell you it does get better, I still remember and think about them often but it does get better. I am always open to talk about it and I too think you are amazing.
You're truly an amazing woman, Michelle. I was truly heartbroken when I heard about all that you've been through this month. These last two posts have been some of the most touching & poignant posts I've ever read. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I'll continue to pray for you, & I think of you often. I couldn't agree more with the phrase about each child being a miracle. I don't know how any person on earth can look at a little tiny baby & not believe in God. Only He has the power not only to give us such a beautiful miracle, but also to help us through our trials & difficulties. I can't say enough how much I admire your courage.
I am so sorry Michelle. I remember when my Mom had a miscarriage, I was about 9 and she was about 4 months along. It was very hard on her. Our prayers are with you.
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