I wish I was updating this blog today by saying we are having a boy. Today is the day we were supposed to find out the gender. I would of been disappointed. That's sad. I now realize that I don't care what the sex of our children are as long as they are healthy. It's amazing how one event can change your entire perspective.
Overall, I am doing good. I feel really at peace with things and have been given answers and obviously the peace from the Lord. I know there is nothing we could of done, even though I haven't had my Dr's appt yet. That's the amazing thing about prayer. Heavenly Father knows the answers and he will let you know if you are humble. It's too bad I often have to be compelled to be humble but I guess that is part of being human. I know that Jacob had a purpose and that purpose was not only to teach his parents a few lessons, but also to get a body. He did that. He had a perfect little body to go with his amazing spirit. He obviously was a very valiant spirit in the premortal life and he is needed on the other side. I am so privleged to be his mother. A woman in our ward who recently lost a baby calls us celestial mothers. I like that. So yes I have peace and comfort and know there is a purpose in this all.
Post-edit: Just had to add that my Dr. called tonight and all tests came back clean. Just like I knew. This is a good thing though because it means nothing is wrong with me, it just happened because it happened.
On my bad days though, or bad moments because any day can be filled with both, I get angry or sad for what was supposed to be. Angry that I had to endure an entire 1st trimester, have hospital and Dr. bills and invest my heart into something that didn't happen. Angry that I don't still get to be pregnant. Angry that others do. Sad that I never will see what Jacob would look like full term, what he would look like at two, as an adult. Sad that I don't get to love and cuddle this special spirit. However, even during those moments and days, I still feel overwhelmingly grateful and I wouldn't take anything back. I wish I was finding out about a healthy baby boy today. But, I don't wish I was the same person I was before this experience because it has made me a better person, one more reliant on the Lord. One in greater love with her husband and family. I am now a celestial mother and I am ok with that. Maybe this was Jacob's purpose all along. I hope we can make him proud.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Wishing
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6 comments:
What a powerful post. Thank you Michelle.
Beautifully said!
I totally know what you mean about being "dissapointed" about the sex..I was SO happy to be having a girl..and even though I would be blessed to have another girl someday, I now know it wouldn't matter...We are not finding out the sex next time and I could care less, as long as it is healthy baby!!
got goose-bumps reading your post. It is amazing the lessons our children teach us. I can't help but think of your little angel smiling down on you today.
you are amazing! Your boys are so lucky to have such a great MOM! Thank you for what you have taught me and for your example. I'm remided of how thankful I need to be for each of my children.
Michelle, thank you for making posts about your feelings and what you are going through. I am so happy that you are receiving comfort. I have suffered 2 miscarriages (although both were early in pregnancy), and you put what I felt at that difficult time in my life into words. I appreciate you doing this, because I once felt as though no one around me really understood what I was going through -- since no one really talked about it. But when people like you share these feelings and experiences, it helps all of us to feel more unified. It helps those of us who may have felt so alone at one point. So, thank you. And please know that I think of you often and am praying for you. You are a very strong person.
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