the garden

Saturday afternoon we decided to drive up to the cemetary that Jacob will be buried in. We decided not to do a private burial, but to take advantage of a program the hospital offers. They have a memorial garden and a tomb at a local cemetary, the same one my aunt is buried in and the one we lived right by when we first moved to this area. It's a beautiful cemetary nestled in the foothills. Babies that die before 23 weeks can be laid to rest here without any cost to the parent. However, there aren't any individual markers. This seemed like the best option for us money wise and emotionally. I wasn't sure I wanted to drag it on with a burial. Personally, I am not big on graveyards and don't visit them often. I guess I feel that who the person is, their spirit, is not in the ground so why go there? Others obviously feel very different and I have struggled with whether this is the right decision. It's hard to know what to do in this situation, when you have never expected to be in this situation. Ideally we would have him buried in a plot that Mark and I would eventually be buried in but since we don't even know if this is where we will settle or where we want to be buried that isn't feasible. We have really tried to imagine what we would want for the future and have decided we are comfortable with this decision for us. We were worried about the boys and if having a gravesite would be easier for them to remember Jacob and know he was real, but then I realized that I never even visited my sister's grave until I was 10 because it is in California. I have been there twice in my life, yet I have always known I had a sister and all about her. Jacob is a part of our family, whether we have a gravesite or not. They are having an interfaith memorial service for all the babies that have died in the last few months on Feb 25th. That is also Sam's birthday but we will go and celebrate Jacob and his little spirit. If you are local you are welcome to attend as well. Here's the memorial garden.






I wish there was a manual on what to do in this situation. The hospital was great in guiding us and doing things that we would want done even though we didn't know we would want them done. Like taking pictures. I didn't even bring a camera. It didn't even cross my mind. I was too busy trying to emotionally get through the situation. These little things are the only regrets I have. Not taking pictures of us with him, not holding him long enough, not examining every inch of his little body and not officially saying goodbye. All the drugs I was on didn't help me think clearly either or be aware of a lot that went on. But these are just little things and I know with time they won't bother me anymore. So I hope that with time we are comfortable with his burial and our decisions regarding this as well.