Balloons

Yesterday was a hard day. Sam has been sick and hitting the thrilling three's (terrible two's are way overrated, it's the three's that try my patience!) so there has been a lot of crying, whining and screaming in our house lately. Rex definitely had more temper tantrums when he was young, but Sam's last much longer. He has screamed for an hour before without letting up.

It's awesome.

Not really.

So that combined with some major PMSing on my part (the first since I lost Jacob) and many sad triggers lately, made for a crappy day. I also found out that they officially buried Jacob's body last week.

It all culminated last night when I made a quick run to the party store to get some stuff for Sam's birthday party on Friday. I ordered balloons for him. Should be a happy occasion, right? Well... I also ordered balloons to set free after the memorial service for Jacob. Talk about a juxtaposition of feelings. So grateful and happy for my three year old who has brought so much love and joy into our lives, and so sad that I lost my little man and have to have a memorial service for our child.

Just when you think you are doing well...

I put this together to put on our mantel. It is the blanket they put Jacob on to take his pictures and wrapped him up in. It touched my baby. It still has some blood on it. I love it.

The card says:
We hope this Snuggly helps provide
some comfort in hard times. It is a
little bit of something soft that has
touched your baby.
"Sometimes love is for a moment.
Sometimes love is for a lifetime.
Sometimes a moments is a lifetime."

I love the gospel

"The Lord takes away many, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man and the sorrows and evils of the world. They are too pure, too lovely, to live on earth. Therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning, we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil and we shall soon have them again."
(Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, pp.196-197)

"...that the mother who laid her little child, being deprived of the privilege and satisfaction of raising it up to manhood or womanhood would, after the resurrection, have all the joy, satisfaction, and pleasure, and even more than it would have been possible to have in mortality, in seeing her child grow to the full measure of the stature of [her] spirit..."
(as quoted in Gospel Doctrine, p. 454).

My Valentines

Mark and I got to go out Saturday night thanks to our wonderful niece Michelle. It was great. We went to Mai Thai for the second Valentines Day with the Bells. Luckily, this year the waitress didn't forget about us, although it still was pretty slow. They are lucky the food is worth it! It was a little hard on my though. Last time we went there I was pregnant and this time our waitress was pregnant. It seems like everywhere I go there are pregnant women. Here's the weird thing, I am happy for them, it's not jealousy, but it is a hard reminder of what I lost. I wish nothing but for those who are carrying to have strong, healthy babies but it is hard to see. It kind of put me in a funk. Luckily, Mark is understanding. He is a great husband and I can't imagine going through this with anyone else besides him.
Sunday, we invited the Bells and the Amadors over for games and treats. The kids ran around screaming most the time and we tried to chat and get a few games in. Luckily, we were able to get Avery and Sierra and our boys to bed and have some nice quiet grown-up time! Too bad Mark and Jason kept beating me and Mandy! Here are some pictures of our night.

It made me laugh

We played Wii Fit this morning and I had to capture the boys attempting to do the hula hoop! My camcorder doesn't have a tape so my phone was the only thing I had and it's a little grainy but you get the idea.

Tonight

I am irritable, angry and frustrated. Not sure why I am feeling this way, I guess it's just one of those waves of grief. Just when I feel like I am doing really well, and almost feel guilty for doing well, a wave hits. Tonight it's the wave of this is just not fair.
I should be celebrating being halfway through my pregnancy this week.
I should be accustomed to the fact that I am having another little boy.
I should be going through the clothes picking out which ones to save for him, not packing them up for the next time.
I should be planning how to give the nursery an update.
I should be packing on the pounds.
I shouldn't be bleeding.
I shouldn't be grieving.
I shouldn't be wondering when I am going to have the next child.
I shouldn't be wearing all my regular clothes.
I shouldn't be wondering what we are going to be doing this summer now that it isn't going to be filled with caring for a newborn.
I shouldn't be missing the child I lost.

Sigh.

Big aspirations

Rex drew this picture at school last week.

I was quite perplexed about the Dentist/gardener combo so I asked him about it.
me: So you want to be a Dentist and a gardener huh?
Rex: No! I want to be a Doctor Dentist and a gardener that lives in a tent
me: ???? A tent!
Rex: yep.
I was impressed with the Doctor Dentist part although I am not quite sure if that means a Doctor and a Dentist or if he just wants me to know that Doctors are Dentist too. And sure I like to garden, so that's cool. But I am a little concerned about the living in a tent part... Mark said it's fine as long as he isn't living in our yard when he's 30.

the garden

Saturday afternoon we decided to drive up to the cemetary that Jacob will be buried in. We decided not to do a private burial, but to take advantage of a program the hospital offers. They have a memorial garden and a tomb at a local cemetary, the same one my aunt is buried in and the one we lived right by when we first moved to this area. It's a beautiful cemetary nestled in the foothills. Babies that die before 23 weeks can be laid to rest here without any cost to the parent. However, there aren't any individual markers. This seemed like the best option for us money wise and emotionally. I wasn't sure I wanted to drag it on with a burial. Personally, I am not big on graveyards and don't visit them often. I guess I feel that who the person is, their spirit, is not in the ground so why go there? Others obviously feel very different and I have struggled with whether this is the right decision. It's hard to know what to do in this situation, when you have never expected to be in this situation. Ideally we would have him buried in a plot that Mark and I would eventually be buried in but since we don't even know if this is where we will settle or where we want to be buried that isn't feasible. We have really tried to imagine what we would want for the future and have decided we are comfortable with this decision for us. We were worried about the boys and if having a gravesite would be easier for them to remember Jacob and know he was real, but then I realized that I never even visited my sister's grave until I was 10 because it is in California. I have been there twice in my life, yet I have always known I had a sister and all about her. Jacob is a part of our family, whether we have a gravesite or not. They are having an interfaith memorial service for all the babies that have died in the last few months on Feb 25th. That is also Sam's birthday but we will go and celebrate Jacob and his little spirit. If you are local you are welcome to attend as well. Here's the memorial garden.






I wish there was a manual on what to do in this situation. The hospital was great in guiding us and doing things that we would want done even though we didn't know we would want them done. Like taking pictures. I didn't even bring a camera. It didn't even cross my mind. I was too busy trying to emotionally get through the situation. These little things are the only regrets I have. Not taking pictures of us with him, not holding him long enough, not examining every inch of his little body and not officially saying goodbye. All the drugs I was on didn't help me think clearly either or be aware of a lot that went on. But these are just little things and I know with time they won't bother me anymore. So I hope that with time we are comfortable with his burial and our decisions regarding this as well.

Wishing

I wish I was updating this blog today by saying we are having a boy. Today is the day we were supposed to find out the gender. I would of been disappointed. That's sad. I now realize that I don't care what the sex of our children are as long as they are healthy. It's amazing how one event can change your entire perspective.

Overall, I am doing good. I feel really at peace with things and have been given answers and obviously the peace from the Lord. I know there is nothing we could of done, even though I haven't had my Dr's appt yet. That's the amazing thing about prayer. Heavenly Father knows the answers and he will let you know if you are humble. It's too bad I often have to be compelled to be humble but I guess that is part of being human. I know that Jacob had a purpose and that purpose was not only to teach his parents a few lessons, but also to get a body. He did that. He had a perfect little body to go with his amazing spirit. He obviously was a very valiant spirit in the premortal life and he is needed on the other side. I am so privleged to be his mother. A woman in our ward who recently lost a baby calls us celestial mothers. I like that. So yes I have peace and comfort and know there is a purpose in this all.

Post-edit: Just had to add that my Dr. called tonight and all tests came back clean. Just like I knew. This is a good thing though because it means nothing is wrong with me, it just happened because it happened.

On my bad days though, or bad moments because any day can be filled with both, I get angry or sad for what was supposed to be. Angry that I had to endure an entire 1st trimester, have hospital and Dr. bills and invest my heart into something that didn't happen. Angry that I don't still get to be pregnant. Angry that others do. Sad that I never will see what Jacob would look like full term, what he would look like at two, as an adult. Sad that I don't get to love and cuddle this special spirit. However, even during those moments and days, I still feel overwhelmingly grateful and I wouldn't take anything back. I wish I was finding out about a healthy baby boy today. But, I don't wish I was the same person I was before this experience because it has made me a better person, one more reliant on the Lord. One in greater love with her husband and family. I am now a celestial mother and I am ok with that. Maybe this was Jacob's purpose all along. I hope we can make him proud.