Reason to smile

My boys made me flowers today out of play-doh. Man, I love them.

Just wanted to share

You are probably all tired of depressing posts, but this is honest of my life right now. I am sorry, I promise to share something more uplifting soon. I came across this written by a man who lost his wife and it talks about grief. It really hit home today and helped me.

Justin Young wrote, "The refining fire of the Lord is not a pleasant place to be and it takes faith, courage and trust in the Lord that he is shaping you into the person he knows, wants and needs you to be. I consider myself a man of great faith in God and his plan, but I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that the greatest faith cannot rescue one from the pangs of grief.

"But I have found that in those moments of deepest sorrow, when my very heart seems to be tearing itself in two, the moments that take me to my knees begging for understanding, peace, love, light, relief ... it is in those moments of humility, left with nothing but a broken heart and contrite spirit, that the greatest lessons of life have been taught and the mysteries of his kingdom are unfolded to view.

"Lessons and teachings that cannot all be shared openly, but cherished privately, and treasured up unto ourselves giving us not the wisdom of man, but the wisdom born of God."

That wisdom, he said, "is forged from the flames of experience and this experience has opened my eyes beyond my own ability to see. And because of this, I believe we should be grateful for the trials we have today because they'll make us who we'll be tomorrow."

Comfort

Yesterday was hard. Maybe because it marked a week ago that I found out my baby was dead? I don't know but it was hard. I never understood how hard a miscarriage or stillbirth could be before. It was so intangible to me. I couldn't imagine ever losing my living children, but the pain of losing a baby inside of you I just didn't get. And hoped I would never understand. Unfortunately now I do and although I am grateful for the growth and strength I have gained already, yesterday I was not happy to be part of that group of women who understand. How can you miss someone you never met? How can you long to hold something that never breathed air? How can I ache so bad to see my little man who I never really knew? After much praying and pondering and reading last night I finally found some comfort. I ache because our Spirits are connected. I ache because my Spirit knows his Spirit and it longs to be his mother right now. But I can't. And although that hurts I know it will be alright. He's happy and I have learned so much from him already.
This scripture has taken on a whole new meaning.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." -John 14:27

There will continue to be hard times, his due date, the anniversary of his passing, every June when he should be turning a year older, but I am learning that relying and trusting in the Lord's comfort is the only way I will make it through these times. And with time it will get easier.

My best friend sent me some links to some other blogs of women who have also lost babies before birth and after. There were some thoughts on there that really helped me and might help those who aren't quite sure how to act or how to understand or have empathy for this situation.

I wish everyone knew that a baby's age or size at birth or death does not determine to how much of a person he or she was or how much they will be loved or missed.

I wish everyone knew it is ok to talk about my loss.

I wish everyone knew that I think of my baby all the time.

I wish everyone knew that I have completely changed because of my experiences.

I wish everyone knew that us mommies who lose our babies carry them with us everywhere we go...for the rest of our lives...and to say we are changed...is putting it rather lightly.

I wish everyone knew and appreciated what an absolute miracle each and every child is, from conception to birth, viable and enviable.

Those summarize some of my feelings well, yet at the same time I don't wish everyone knew because I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone. I am not sure I can honestly say right now I am grateful for this experience because it is too raw and I ache to still be pregnant so bad, but I do know and have faith that one day I will look back and be grateful for this and for all the things I have learned from my Heavenly Father and my little angel. And that is what I am clinging on to.

Changes

This is going to be a hard post, but one I feel will help me in sorting out feelings and healing. Obviously my most private thoughts won't be here, but I will share some things about this last week that have changed forever the person I am. I want this experience documented and my blog is where I have documented the last 3 years of our lives.
Early Wednesday morning, the 20th, I woke up feeling the intense urge to go to the bathroom. Not uncommon but after I went the feeling didn't go away. It was extremely uncomfortable and there was no way I was getting any sleep. I thought that I must have a bladder infection or kidney stones so I decided the best thing to do was to go to the ER. This was at 2 a.m. Mark had to stay home with the kids so I headed over alone. They admitted me and took what seemed like forever to do anything. I started getting really intense kidney pain so I assumed for sure that is what it was. They finally gave me some Morphine and I waited for results of my urine test. In the meantime they sent me to ultrasound to look at my kidneys. The ultrasound tech took forever looking at everything and then suddenly she said she needed to go talk to the Dr. She came back and said they were going to do a full OB ultrasound. At that moment I knew something was wrong. I asked her but she wouldn't tell me anything. I just knew though. I searched that screen for a heartbeat and didn't see anything moving like I usually have. Sure enough the Dr. came in later and said the heartbeat was extremely low and all signs pointed to the fact that I was having a miscarriage. I was devastated. I don't think anything can prepare you for that. At 17 weeks I thought I was in the clear and losing the baby just never once crossed my mind until then. Mark rushed over with the boys. It all felt like a dream. We went home and slept for a little bit until we could meet my OB at his office. They rushed me back when I got there and sure enough no heartbeat. No blood even flowing through the umbilical cord. My OB thinks that they were detecting my heartbeat at the hospital not the babies. We did an amniocentesis and the fluid was dark which indicated the baby had probably been deceased for about a week. My OB was amazing and so kind. We decided to go home and try and get some sleep since we had been up all night and go to the hospital that evening to be induced. That evening was hard. I didn't want to go do what I had to do. Rex freaked out and didn't want me to leave and I had a horrible dream about dying so I was pretty much a wreak. We got to Labor and Delivery and I remember being in triage while they were trying to figure out what was going on. Apparently the day nurse hadn't informed the night nurse that I was coming so they weren't prepared. I could hear the heartbeat of another baby next door and it just broke my heart. Mark was so great and just read me some comforting scriptures. Once they figured out what was happening, they were amazing. The nurses were so kind and took me to a quiet room. My OB came and we had a few minutes alone with him in the room while the nurses were grabbing things. He is LDS and is actually the bishop in his ward. It was so helpful to me at that time because not only could he talk to me as a Dr. but he also talked to me as someone who shared my faith and had a lot of experience in these kinds of things. I am still struggling with whether this little body had a Spirit or not and it may be something I never know in this life but he was so helpful in calming me down. The night was pretty much a blur with all the drugs they gave me but I remember feeling some cramping and a lot of pressure around 5 a.m. At 5:19 a.m. I delivered very easily our 3rd little boy. He weighed 2.6 ounces and was 6 inches long. He came out fully encased in the sack which was the best possible outcome because everything came out easily and there was no need for a DNC. I was pretty out of it but later on they let me hold him and in fact we kept him in the room with us for quite some time. I was amazed at how he had developed each individual finger and toe already. Mark says he has Rex's chin. We named him Jacob.
I don't think it was any secret I was hoping for a girl this time around but the minute I laid eyes on that little boy I wanted nothing more than to be able to have him healthy and back inside of me. I can't believe the amount of love you can feel that early on and it truly feels like I lost a piece of me that day. I am suddenly a part of this amazing group of people, my mom being one of them, that has lost a baby too early. It helped so much that she was able to spend those first few days here with me because she truly knows how I feel and knew all the right things to say and when it was time to not say anything at all and just hug me.
I feel like our future has completely changed and I am not quite sure how to navigate it. My whole focus the last 4 months has been on being pregnant and preparing for a baby in June. All our plans centered around that. Now that has completely changed and I am not quite sure what will happen. This is where I am learning that I need to put it in Heavenly Father's hands and trust in him. It's hard. The control freak in me wants to fix things and wave a magic wand and have everything back in it's place. However, I hope that this trial makes me a better person. I hope I learn to rely on the Lord more. I hope I continue to cherish my family as I have these last few days. The kids have been the best medicine, I love them so much. They are slowly healing my heart. I have never felt closer to Mark. He is my rock and we share the loss.
Everyone around us has been so amazing and I am thankful. We were bombarded with gifts, flowers, an amazing edible bouquet that we devoured, meals and words of comfort. I haven't spoken to many but I hope everyone knows how much every little thought and word of comfort has helped.
The hospital gave us a memory box to put everything that reminded us of Jacob in. The blanket he was wrapped in. His stats. The pictures the hospital took of him. All the cards of sympathy. And his ultrasound pictures from when his heart was beating. I cherish that and am so grateful to the hospital for this kind gesture. Times have changed so much, my mom didn't even get to hold the little girl she lost.
Every day gets better and acceptance is coming slowly but surely. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father who loves me and knows my pain. I have felt Jesus Christ and his love and for that I am grateful.

Marriage...

it's what brings up together today. Sorry couldn't resist.
I have to write this down because it is so funny. Rex is obsessed with marriage but I think he is finally figuring out that he can't marry me.
Today while we were in the car we passed a graveyard and he got on the subject of death (another thing that interests him). He tells me that when he has kids I will die. I think he is trying to figure out life span and how old we are when we die. I told him that hopefully not. Hopefully I will get to know his kids since they are my grandkids. So then this was our conversation:
Rex-"Mom, will you help me find a girl to get married to?"
me- "Sure, when you are old enough, but you have to be at least 21."
Rex- "Ok, but will you help me find a girl so I can marry her and then we can have kids."
me- "I sure will buddy"

Now I am wishing I recorded that so that I have it on record for when he is older and won't want my advice on girls!
And no he doesn't know how babies are made. Thank goodness.

He and Sam then proceeded to fight on who got to marry our neighbor girl who just moved. It was intense.

Love it

No words needed.

CTR

On Monday night we talked about Choosing The Right. Since I teach a CTR class and Rex is in CTR 5 I thought it was a good topic to cover, plus I could use something I had prepared for my lesson on Sunday. Well Sam has really taken it to heart. Ever since then, every time he does something that he thinks is a good choice (washing his hands, letting the dog in, playing nicely with Rex) he loudly exclaims: "I am choosing the right!" It's pretty stinking cute and I am amazed that he has grasped the concept at such a young age.

Rex wanted to know something and I wasn't sure the answer the other day so he said, "Go to the dot com and look it up" Mark and I just about died laughing. Apparently the dot com is his name for the internet! He also earned a Lego Star Wars kit today. He had a bunch of money saved up from loosing teeth and past chores and he has been working hard on chores all week. He even helped me unload the dishwasher today. Since Lego Star Wars are super expensive I told him if he earned half of it ($15) I would buy the other half. Sure enough he did (well maybe a $1 or 2 off, but close enough!) and he has not stopped playing with it since. That kid is obsessed. Mark loves it.

Rainy winter days and a sweet picture

Last week while Mark was working 18 hour days and it was gloomy outside, I decided the kids and I both needed a break. I took them to an indoor park so they could get all that pent up energy out! It was heaven. They played for almost 3 hours and sat there and watched them and read a book. The best thing was that they actually played together. It was adorable. I asked Rex to watch Sam and he made sure Sam kept up with him and that he was with him always. Sam reveled in all the attention. It warmed my heart. I managed to take a few pictures.





I just thought this picture was cool because he was moving so fast!


And finally I couldn't resist capturing this cute scene tonight. I love my boys. All three of them.

Pillow love?

I mentioned Rex's Oedipus complex last post. Well, he has tried to kiss me like a "husband" would a few times and I have to tell him that no only husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend kiss like that, not mothers and sons. So tonight he no joke brings me a pillow and asks me to show him how to do a boyfriend/girlfriend kiss. I was speechless and couldn't stop laughing at the same time. He's 5! What am I in for with this kid?!

My boys

I decided my boys needed some face time on the blog so here we go.
Rex can be a handful, but he can also be the sweetest thing ever as well. He's kinda got the Jekyll and Hyde moods down. I can't blame anyone but myself because I am the exact same way. Today I just felt I needed to tell him how proud I was of him. It seems like I am always getting on him for things he is doing wrong, but rarely for things he does right. He wasn't really doing anything in particular, just being good and helpful. He was quite shocked when I told him and asked me why. I had to tell him just because he is him and he is such a good boy. He couldn't stop grinning. I realized I need to do this more often. Positive attention is much better for both of us than negative attention.
Rex said the sweetest/funniest thing tonight. He is quite obsessed with me lately and has a bit of the Oedipus complex going on right now. If I didn't know it was totally normal (thank you UofU Child Development courses!), it might freak me out a bit because he tells me all the time he wants to marry me! Well tonight he told me that he thinks Cinderella is the most beautiful princess. He then says, "but you are the most beautifulest mommy, even more than Cinderella!" I would have done anything for that kid tonight, totally melted my heart!
Since Rex got his Lego Star Wars game he is obsessed with Star Wars. Mark decided he should watch the originals so we have been doing that last weekend and this weekend. Sam isn't so interested and is a little young so he just runs around and plays while we watch. Tonight he wanted to get in on the action as well though and this was what he did over and over again while we were watching Star Wars.

15 weeks

I am usually horrible at documenting pregnancy, so here's my attempt. In black and white. So my face doesn't look so ugly.

She came through!

Love my sister in law! She takes the best pictures and she actually takes pictures when I don't so good job Jess! Had to steal some pics off her blog since I didn't take any of our Christmas so here is Christmas in Twin Falls.

The Squeakal

We had to take advantage of Mark being off work to see the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie! It was a blast and the kids loved it except Sam was afraid of the cat that hisses, of all things. I didn't think it was bad until tonight when he has already woken up from a nightmare about a mean, scary cat! It was like 2 seconds of the whole movie! On a brighter note, I think he has a crush on Britney.

Our laid back New Year's

We didn't do a whole lot this New Year's, in fact I stayed in my pajamas all day. (that is why there will be no pictures of me. You're welcome.) We received our white Christmas a week late and there was no way I was going out in that mess with drunk people on the roads. Combine that with Sam having a nasty cold and we decided to stay in this year. It was really nice and relaxing. I always feel like I have to do something for New Year's Eve. I think it goes back to high school when if you had no plans for New Year's, you were a loser. I thoroughly enjoyed being a loser this year. Here's what our day consisted of:
We started off the morning with the boys and I watching Snow White and building Lego's. Snow White was Sam's idea. Lego's were Rex. Besides the scary witch/queen the boys loved the movie. Then in the afternoon after Sam took a little nap he laid in my bed and watched the Little Rascals because he didn't feel good. That and his mom was tired of his whining. :)

Rex spent much of the late afternoon/evening playing Lego Star Wars. He is amazingly good at this game.

When Mark came home he joined him. They kicked some Storm trooper rear while I made Lentil and Sausage soup. (which I later learned means you are hoping for money for the New Year in some other country. Apparently my subconscious knew something I didn't)

I also cleaned the house so I could admire my new curtains that I HAD to buy to go with the new mantel. You can't have a dirty house with new curtains.

All the while it snowed outside...

Sam and I amazingly had the same craving for homemade oreo cookies. Luckily I had all the ingredients.

Sam then decided to bring out the old year by dropping trough and pooping on my bedroom floor. Way to go buddy. Another thing I thought I would spare you by not taking a picture of.
After that the kids were forced to take a bath and went to bed at the crazy hour of 8:30. My kids are partiers I tell ya!
After the kids went to bed Mark and I got a little crazy with some Martinelli's.

We ended the night by watching Wild Hogs and then the ball drop. Out cold by 12:30.