Changes

This is going to be a hard post, but one I feel will help me in sorting out feelings and healing. Obviously my most private thoughts won't be here, but I will share some things about this last week that have changed forever the person I am. I want this experience documented and my blog is where I have documented the last 3 years of our lives.
Early Wednesday morning, the 20th, I woke up feeling the intense urge to go to the bathroom. Not uncommon but after I went the feeling didn't go away. It was extremely uncomfortable and there was no way I was getting any sleep. I thought that I must have a bladder infection or kidney stones so I decided the best thing to do was to go to the ER. This was at 2 a.m. Mark had to stay home with the kids so I headed over alone. They admitted me and took what seemed like forever to do anything. I started getting really intense kidney pain so I assumed for sure that is what it was. They finally gave me some Morphine and I waited for results of my urine test. In the meantime they sent me to ultrasound to look at my kidneys. The ultrasound tech took forever looking at everything and then suddenly she said she needed to go talk to the Dr. She came back and said they were going to do a full OB ultrasound. At that moment I knew something was wrong. I asked her but she wouldn't tell me anything. I just knew though. I searched that screen for a heartbeat and didn't see anything moving like I usually have. Sure enough the Dr. came in later and said the heartbeat was extremely low and all signs pointed to the fact that I was having a miscarriage. I was devastated. I don't think anything can prepare you for that. At 17 weeks I thought I was in the clear and losing the baby just never once crossed my mind until then. Mark rushed over with the boys. It all felt like a dream. We went home and slept for a little bit until we could meet my OB at his office. They rushed me back when I got there and sure enough no heartbeat. No blood even flowing through the umbilical cord. My OB thinks that they were detecting my heartbeat at the hospital not the babies. We did an amniocentesis and the fluid was dark which indicated the baby had probably been deceased for about a week. My OB was amazing and so kind. We decided to go home and try and get some sleep since we had been up all night and go to the hospital that evening to be induced. That evening was hard. I didn't want to go do what I had to do. Rex freaked out and didn't want me to leave and I had a horrible dream about dying so I was pretty much a wreak. We got to Labor and Delivery and I remember being in triage while they were trying to figure out what was going on. Apparently the day nurse hadn't informed the night nurse that I was coming so they weren't prepared. I could hear the heartbeat of another baby next door and it just broke my heart. Mark was so great and just read me some comforting scriptures. Once they figured out what was happening, they were amazing. The nurses were so kind and took me to a quiet room. My OB came and we had a few minutes alone with him in the room while the nurses were grabbing things. He is LDS and is actually the bishop in his ward. It was so helpful to me at that time because not only could he talk to me as a Dr. but he also talked to me as someone who shared my faith and had a lot of experience in these kinds of things. I am still struggling with whether this little body had a Spirit or not and it may be something I never know in this life but he was so helpful in calming me down. The night was pretty much a blur with all the drugs they gave me but I remember feeling some cramping and a lot of pressure around 5 a.m. At 5:19 a.m. I delivered very easily our 3rd little boy. He weighed 2.6 ounces and was 6 inches long. He came out fully encased in the sack which was the best possible outcome because everything came out easily and there was no need for a DNC. I was pretty out of it but later on they let me hold him and in fact we kept him in the room with us for quite some time. I was amazed at how he had developed each individual finger and toe already. Mark says he has Rex's chin. We named him Jacob.
I don't think it was any secret I was hoping for a girl this time around but the minute I laid eyes on that little boy I wanted nothing more than to be able to have him healthy and back inside of me. I can't believe the amount of love you can feel that early on and it truly feels like I lost a piece of me that day. I am suddenly a part of this amazing group of people, my mom being one of them, that has lost a baby too early. It helped so much that she was able to spend those first few days here with me because she truly knows how I feel and knew all the right things to say and when it was time to not say anything at all and just hug me.
I feel like our future has completely changed and I am not quite sure how to navigate it. My whole focus the last 4 months has been on being pregnant and preparing for a baby in June. All our plans centered around that. Now that has completely changed and I am not quite sure what will happen. This is where I am learning that I need to put it in Heavenly Father's hands and trust in him. It's hard. The control freak in me wants to fix things and wave a magic wand and have everything back in it's place. However, I hope that this trial makes me a better person. I hope I learn to rely on the Lord more. I hope I continue to cherish my family as I have these last few days. The kids have been the best medicine, I love them so much. They are slowly healing my heart. I have never felt closer to Mark. He is my rock and we share the loss.
Everyone around us has been so amazing and I am thankful. We were bombarded with gifts, flowers, an amazing edible bouquet that we devoured, meals and words of comfort. I haven't spoken to many but I hope everyone knows how much every little thought and word of comfort has helped.
The hospital gave us a memory box to put everything that reminded us of Jacob in. The blanket he was wrapped in. His stats. The pictures the hospital took of him. All the cards of sympathy. And his ultrasound pictures from when his heart was beating. I cherish that and am so grateful to the hospital for this kind gesture. Times have changed so much, my mom didn't even get to hold the little girl she lost.
Every day gets better and acceptance is coming slowly but surely. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father who loves me and knows my pain. I have felt Jesus Christ and his love and for that I am grateful.